


The Anal Thing

by Spayne



Series: Vehicular mishaps [2]
Category: Killing Eve (TV 2018)
Genre: Anal, F/F, Fluff, eve is dirty, graphic discussions about anal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:14:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27589370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spayne/pseuds/Spayne
Summary: “Look, if this is about the anal thing—“Hugo snorts, Eve does not try to catch his eye this time.“Yes, the ‘anal’ thing. Yes it is.” Villanelle confirms.
Relationships: Eve Polastri/Villanelle | Oksana Astankova
Series: Vehicular mishaps [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2022422
Comments: 29
Kudos: 231





	The Anal Thing

**Author's Note:**

> A gift for fixy who asked for anal on her birthday. This is what you meant right?
> 
> This is a loose follow on from a one shot i wrote from a prompt from Fixy called Stake Out.

“We’ve never really talked, have you ever noticed that Hugo?” 

Villanelle asks in a wistful tone through the crackle of the earpiece and Eve narrowly resists the urge to bury her head in her hands.

“Well it's taken me almost a year to recover from the gun—“

“Such a shame—“ Villanelle cuts him off, “but we’ve got the whole evening to do something about it now right?”

Hugo’s eyes catch hers across the console in the car as they run the back up team for Villanelle whilst she searches for a hard drive in the office building opposite.

“Right. But shouldn’t you, you know, be being stealthy or something?”

Villanelle giggles brightly. She never giggles. This is going to be a complete disaster.

“Oh Hugo, you are so funny. Isn’t he funny, Eve?”

This is a mistake. She already knows this. She should have had Hugo stay in London. Really she should have done any number of things that would have prevented what is happening right now.

Eve knows that Villanelle is pissed off with her, has known for days. She knows that Hugo is also pissed off with her. Has been since she left him to die in Rome. Some grievances are more justified than others admittedly, but right now its Villanelle that Eve is more worried about.

Villanelle has been— extra polite over the last few days, and even worse she has been agreeable, whilst at the same time passive aggressive. She answers Eve’s questions with please’s and thank you’s, offers tight lipped smiles then only puts her own plate in the dishwasher in the evening. So Eve knows she is pissed off, and that is why this peculiar exchange through microphones and earpieces fills her with abject terror. 

“Do you have a girlfriend, Hugo? A boyfriend?” She asks.

“Villanelle.” Eve warns

“What? Im trying to get to know my new colleagues! It’s nice to show an interest in things that someone cares about, right?”

Fuck. 

Eve scans back through their exchanges over the last few days. There has to be something to have set this off. Its not like they argue a lot, but there has been— bickering. Its no big deal, it’s just been a learning curve, being together, but more explicitly living together. Mostly because whilst Eve is relatively convinced that there is no one who sees or understands her the way Villanelle does, there must be a million other people she could coexist with more easily. 

“Can we not just focus on getting the harddrive?” Eve asks, and is then utterly unsurprised when Villanelle completely ignores her.

“Come on Hugo, tell me, lets get to know each other.“

Eve catches his eye again and shakes her head warningly, pleadingly even, anything to get him not to engage. 

“No. There’s no one at the moment.” 

He shrugs and silently mouths “What?”

Prick.

Villanelle sighs in what Eve presumes is meant to imply solidarity.

“A roommate?”

“Er. Yeah, sure I have a housemate.”

“Great! That is so great Eve, don’t you think?”

Eve says nothing. 

“Did you know Eve and I live together?”

Is this about Rome? She can’t be annoyed about that surely? How would she even have found out about that? She looks over at Hugo in mild panic.

“Er—. I didn’t. This is my first week back and I asked not to be assigned to work with either of you so—.”

“We live together, Eve and I, and you live with a housemate. That’s great. Your roommate, what are they like?” Her voice is deceptively mellow and Eve’s stomach continues to knot into itself.

“Villanelle, we really should focus—”

“—Eve. Hugo was talking, don’t be rude”, then to Hugo, “Sorry about her. So, your roommate, do you cook for them?”

“We get a lot of take out I guess.”

“Great. Did you hear that Eve? They get take out. So, Hugo, if one night you got take out and your roommate cleared it all away after, how would you describe that?”

“Er— thoughtful? I guess.”

“Thoughtful! Yes! Eve, did you hear that?”, Villanelle switches her attention back to Hugo, “ and if after they did that thoughtful thing you messed up the house again, what would that make you?”

And then it clicks because oh for fucks sake, really? Is that really what is happening here?

“Villanelle.” Eve says it sharply, probably more sharply than she intended.

“What? I’m just talking to my friend Hugo.”

“Oh come on, if this really about—“

“About what Eve?”

“Are you guys fighting right now?” He asks, suddenly interested.

“No.”

“No.”

“Right. Its just this feels a lot like fighting—”

Eve huffs out another breath and lowers her voice when she speaks to Villanelle, as if it makes any difference.

“If this is about the other night—?”

“What was that Eve? I can’t hear you?” Villanelle asks at normal volume. 

Eve closes her eyes and takes a breath.

“If you don’t want to talk to me I guess I’ll keep getting to know Hugo”

Jesus. Fine. Ok.

“Look, if this is about the anal thing—“

Hugo snorts, Eve does not try to catch his eye this time.

“Yes, the ‘anal’ thing. Yes it is.” Villanelle confirms.

“Then can we talk about it once we get home please?”

“Actually,” Hugo interrupts, “If Villanelle has something to say to you Eve, you really ought to listen and, you know, my parents are divorced so I know—“

“—Tragic I’m sure,” Villanelle interrupts, “Now, Eve what were you saying?.” 

“I was saying, ahead about ten meters you should come to an office and we think the harddrive will be in there.”

“Something about anal wasn’t it?” Hugo prompts.

Eve turns to him incredulously.

“No! No! That’s not—“ She huffs out a breathe trying to calm down before trying again, “It’s not about anal.”

“It sounds like its about anal, is it about anal Villanelle?” Hugo asks

“I called her anal. Alright?” Eve interupts, “That’s all it is, its nothing about _anal_ , anal. So its not a big deal, it doesn’t really matter right? Villanelle?” 

Has she ever said anal this many times in her whole life before this conversation?

Villanelle sniffs haughtily in her microphone but otherwise doesn’t acknowledge Eve.

“So could we now focus on this operation? Please? Villanelle?”

“Why did she called you anal?” Hugo interrupts again.

If Eve could go back to Rome and crush him like Dasha she absolutely would.

“I really think we ought to just talk later at home.” Eve tries again.

“She said I was anal because I was angry that she left a wet towel on the bed when she dried her hair. After I have asked her lots of times not to do that. Then she said that she doesn’t care about keeping the house nice and that it doesn’t matter.”

Hugo pulls an annoyingly disapproving face.

“It was actually more nuanced than that.” Eve snaps. Alright, technically she had said that but Villanelle is making it sound so much worse than it was.

“Well that’s pretty shit actually Eve, why not just put the towel back in the bathroom?”

Villanelle sighs, “I don’t know Hugo, I don’t know.”

Hugo continues to sit there with the firm look of distaste and Eve remembers the sound of Dasha’s ribs cracking beneath her boots with real fondness.

How is Eve suddenly the bad guy? Villanelle literally spent almost a decade either in prison for killing people or not in prison but actually killing people, how is a wet towel suddenly this much of a big deal?

“Well I don’t think that asking someone not to leave a wet towel on a bed is anal at all.” he continues.

“Thank you Hugo” Villanelle says again, “You see Eve?”

Eve stares straight ahead but says nothing.

“Are you really not going to apologise?” Hugo asks.

“Oh god, fine, next time i’ll put it back on the towel rail, whatever. Can we drop it now?”

Anything to end this ridiculous situation.

“But you are not sorry for what you said” Villanelle huffs, “of course not”

Eve doesn’t respond.

“Eve?” Hugo asks, a bit surprised.

Eve huffs out a breath, this is ridiculous. 

“No! Im not sorry! Look, she is anal, she is so anal about stuff like this! It’s not just asking me to move a towel! She spends a whole day a week just— cleaning! She’s has a weird tool belt thing to carry cloths and wipes and stuff. She makes her own window cleaner for gods sake. Every time I use a mug she washes it up almost straight away, there’s never any dishes left in the sink over night. And yeah, ok, I could have put the stupid towel away but that doesn’t mean she isn’t anal.”

No one says anything, Eve thinks she can hear the sound of rustling from the ear piece. Please let this be the sound of Villanelle finding the hard drive.

“Can we just all just stop saying anal and focus, that would be great.”

“So she tidies up after you, and spends a day a week cleaning your— what, three bedroom house? Thats not really anal, thats just owning a house and being a grown up isn’t it?” Hugo asks.

Eve doesn’t respond.

How is this coming across like she is the unreasonable one? Cleaning the house like that, the religious way the dishwasher goes on every night before they go to bed, washing up what cant fit into it, owning a stupid cloth and spray holster is all very anal. How has this suddenly become so controversial?

And yeah ok, the house is always nice on a Sunday after she’s finished, and she uses some expensive spray which smells like french lavender, so the whole anal comment wasn’t that it was a bad thing, just that it was an— anal thing.

“Well how often do you think Villanelle should clean your house?” Hugo asks.

Jesus.

“That’s not—“ She takes a breath. “I don’t expect her to clean our house. Could we just drop it? Please? Can we just focus on the operation. Villanelle where are you? Are you in the right office?”

“Do you not really not think you should at least apologise?” Hugo asks again.

Villanelle barks a laugh, harsher through the earpiece than Eve is used to.

“Eve doesn’t apologise.”

Wait, what?

“What does that mean?” Eve asks, irritated.

“It means that you don’t apologise, ever.”

“Yes I do.”

“No, you don’t, remember when you stabbed me and then didn't apologise.” 

“Actually she didn’t apologise for what she did to me in Rome either.” Hugo adds.

“Oh please, as if you weren't into it.” Eve snaps at him.

“I meant leaving me to die —”

Fuck.

“Yes. Yes, that's what I was talking about. Obviously. I— Look, let's focus on why we’re here. Villanelle?”

There’s no response. 

“Villanelle?” 

Nothing. She looks at Hugo who shrugs before covering the mouth piece and whispers, “Did you really not tell her about us?”

Christ.

“What? There’s an ‘us’ now? No.”

“You probably ought to.”

“Are you kidding me right now?” She asks.

He shrugs.

“Villanelle?” Eve speaks into the microphone again.

“She sounds like she’s ignoring you.”

“Yeah, I got that thanks.” 

Eve pinches the bridge of her nose and closes her eyes, if she is going to have to do this she won’t do it looking at Hugo’s stupid smug face.

“I like that you keep the house nice, ok? I like that you don’t nag me to do it and— the spray you buy smells nice.”

There's silence. She does not look at Hugo.

“And?” Villanelle’s clipped accent crackles in her ear.

“I’m sorry I was an asshole about it.” She says it in a rush and hopes that Villanelle won't want more.

“Thank you, Eve.” It's quiet but she hears it.

Oh thank god, this whole dreadful thing can finally end, and with any luck she’ll never have to say the word anal infront of Hugo ever again.

“Great, so can you just get the hard drive, get back down here and then we can just pretend none of this ever happened and no one has to know that we’ve spent the whole operation repeatedly saying anal.”

Hugo snorts.

“What?” She snaps.

He shrugs vaguely and adopts the smuggest expression she’s ever seen him wear.

“Nothing.”

  
\--------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  


\---------------------------------------------------------------

Carolyn rubs her fingers over her forehead what Eve can only interpret as a gesture of exhaustion. She sympathises.

“Really Eve, I had hoped that we wouldn’t need to have another of these little chats. Particularly after that unfortunate incident with the— stake out and my car, but here we are again it seems.”

Carolyn leans against the edge of her desk and looks down at Eve and Villanelle as they sit in front of her.

“Oh god! No! This is not like that—“

Carolyn holds up her hand and offers a tight smile. 

“No, I’m sure. But I am having to deal with a terribly polite woman from HR called Heather who stutters when she says anal, and she seems to have had to say it a lot lately because of this whole— situation, so you rather see my problem.”

Eve looks at Villanelle who nods sympathetically at Carolyn.

“So—“ Carolyn begins, “you both know that all our operations are now recorded and monitored centrally?”

No one speaks.

“You are aware?” She repeats

“I actually wasn’t.” Villanelle says brightly, “that sort of thing should be in the handbook don’t you think?”

“It is in the handbook.” Eve snaps, “which you would know if you bothered to read any of the briefings I prepare for you.”

“God Eve, every time, you didnt remember either though did you, and you are normally so anal about that kind of—“

“— Oh my god.” Eve buries her head in her hands.

“Right then. Well, you are both aware now. So, the next time that you two are on an operation together all I ask is that you take a moment to think about poor polite Heather who is really quite worried about Hugo. He’s shown himself to be rather litigious, and she thinks that two sexual harassment claims against you in the course of a year is a little much. So I’m sorry Eve but they’ve suggested that I ought to send you on some sort of course. People are throwing around words like predator.”

“Wait, what?” Villanelle asks.

Eve shifts nervously in her seat and clears her throat, “Should we get back to the anal thing? This really is a big mix up, we weren’t talking about anal, anal. I just want to be clear— the anal thing was not about— anal. That wasn’t— Really. It isn’t. We don’t— I mean we haven’t—not yet, or not ever, maybe—I don’t know— not that i'm opposed or anything—”

“Good to know.” Villanelle adds helpfully.

“—but we haven’t really talked about it and—“

“—Eve.” Carolyn stops her.

“Right. Yes.”

“Thank you for clarifying that. But regardless next time think of poor Heather, particularly before saying anal seventeen times in less than five minutes worth of audio which is being listened to by representatives from the Home Office.”

The room falls silent again.

Carolyn’s stands in a familiar gesture of dismissal, and Eve darts quickly toward the door, desperate to escape before Carolyn offers any helpful tips that she picked up on the spy circuit in the seventies.

“Oh, and Eve?”

Jesus.

“It's fine Carolyn, preparation, fingers, lube, its fine, if we get to it i’m sure we’ll manage and Villanelle has probably already done it a thousand times—”

“—wow, ok Eve.” Villanelle huffs next to her

“— so we don’t need any pointers, thank you.” 

“Right. Well. I was actually going to ask if you wanted to take the pamphlets for the course they want you to go on.”

“Oh.”

Villanelle reaches out to take the pamphlets, and without a word guides Eve from the room closing the door behind them.

“I actually think that went worse than last time, and last time left you with a permanent scar.” Villanelle observes, seemingly oblivious to Eve’s active quest for the world beneath her to open up and swallow her.

“Did I really say lube in there?”

“Umm— you have a quiet voice sometimes so she probably didn’t hear you.”

“Really?” She asks hopefully.

Villanelle pauses, seemingly to weigh her answer.

“No, no she definitely heard.”

“Oh my god.”

\--------------------------------

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Back when I wrote my first fic I was pretty much expecting it to be completely ignored or hated and then put into the category of things affectionately titled “Ridiculous and mortifying stuff I won't allow myself to think about again”. 
> 
> But Fixy started tweeting about it, then a few of the rest of you turned out to like it too, and the rest is history.
> 
> So thanks a bunch and have a great day.


End file.
